Facing giants

1 Samuel 17

The passage above is the story of David and Goliath. It came to mind now that I am in the beginning phases of trying to process all that has occurred this past week. As a church kid, I’ve heard this story many times. However, my appreciation and understanding of it have been years in the making. Like most things in life, it’s taken challenging experiences, the stretching of my faith, and the fighting of my mind.

Allow me to run you through the context of this past week. On Sunday night, I attended my bible study group. One of the questions from the weekly curriculum was, what darkness do you experience in the world and your own life? I shared how work and expectations can often be a trigger. When it comes to work, it’s the aspect of seeing a different side of humanity. And for as much as I have seen, I am not immune to feeling the emotional toll that comes with listening to and reading the endless ways in which children and adults are abused and traumatized. My expectations quickly become entangled. And there is often a need to check them. Looking back at what ensued during the five workdays makes me feel like the devil decided he wanted to put in extra time and effort to make what I shared play out.

Monday afternoon, I received a new case with a large sibling group. The case was in shambles from the investigator, and it continued to fall more apart each day after. Every child was in a separate home, and many of the foster parents started demanding the children be removed from their homes by the end of a particular day. I could not fathom how I would see all these children in the required time frame while also transporting one of them twice a day, 40 miles one way between school and daycare. Defeat was the point of view I struggled with constantly throughout the day. By Wednesday, I started to heavily question if it was time for me to move on from the field of child welfare. My heart was grieved as the case had become an example of how broken the system can be. While choosing to switch industries appeared appealing, there was another factor to consider. If that was the route, I took I would also have to give up on school. Now that factor was more brutal to reconcile with. For starters, it would come with giving up on a dream and goal. One that did not come to fruition with ease. I couldn’t help but question God during it all.

There was also something else going on in the background personally. I was dealing with AC issues in my car. The blow came a week or so prior while at the dealership. Ultimately, I had been quoted around $2300 for the repair. My dad had taken on the task of getting a second opinion. And while the cost would be less, it was still more significant than I had been looking to spend as the quote was around $1500. To say I was on the verge of breaking is a gross understatement.

I don’t know about you, but when reading the description of Goliath, it’s not hard to imagine how he would be intimidating. Therefore, I can easily understand why the Israelites and King Saul did not want to face what looked like an impossible task. Fear is what they felt, and it’s what led them to do nothing. Fear is what I felt as I listened to the details of the case during the transfer on Monday. My anxiety continued to increase each day as I questioned how there would be a resolution for the case and my car. Fear had me overwhelmed in the belief that neither situation would be resolved any time soon. Furthermore, it convinced me that the only way I would withstand the pressure was to look for an out. Fear leads to a never-ending list of what-if questions. Faith is choosing to say even if.

Do you know what I am constantly reminded of when I take the steps of letting God help me process situations and emotions? Satan loves to distract us with chaos and circumstances. It’s precisely what he uses to prompt us to question God’s goodness. As a Christian, my soul has felt God’s goodness deeply. My soul is always longing for the day I get to be in the fullness of his goodness in heaven. It’s my mind that struggles to hold on to the fact that he is always good. My mind equates goodness as being completely absent of pain, frustration, sadness, sacrifice, or striving. It’s my mind that always questions how God can be good if…? And if I feel that way as a Christian, it shouldn’t be hard for me to conceptualize why a non-Christian questions if God is good. It’s a battle between spirit and flesh. My flesh believes that for God to be good, he needs to remove anything unpleasant. My spirit believes that God uses everything for good. That there is nothing too messy, shameful, or heartbreaking that he can’t redeem or repair.

The reality is that we regularly face a Goliath in life. Sometimes it’s automatically intimidating and looks impossible to overcome. Other times it’s when little things start to build up and create a snowball effect. Either way, they possess the ability to break us when we become consumed by how defeated it makes us feel. If I allow myself to solely focus on what my mind thinks, I end up missing God’s goodness. When my mind is what I listen to, that’s when I become entrapped in negativity, feeling sorry for myself, blaming, and anxiety. On their own, any one of those things can enslave me. The combination of them makes me the most miserable person and moves me to where Satan wants me to be, not seeking or trusting God.

God’s goodness is never contingent on whether I am good. It also doesn’t come with a prerequisite of me having it together, fully trusting him, or shutting off my emotions. You know why? Because I am never able to meet those standards. If I were, I wouldn’t need him to the extent I do. I would be able to hold on to the control and treat him as an afterthought. Now that is not to say I don’t do that regularly. My point is that if his goodness happened how my mind thinks it should, I wouldn’t be drawn to him.

The case was still a disaster when I clocked out on Friday afternoon. And my car still needs to be repaired. However, let me tell you what he did to make those two Goliaths less intimidating to me. My teammate took on the responsibility of 3 home visits for me. She also checked in with me each day to see how I was doing and what else she could take off my plate. My associate director advocated through emails and phone calls. Transportation was covered by another employee for Thursday afternoon and all day Friday. She gave me unwavering support and guidance. My supervisor completed court documents that I could never manage to find the time to get to. My dad spent time going to multiple places about my car. All the while allowing me to drive his truck so that I would have no barriers for work while also enjoying AC. By Thursday, I was called by the general manager at the dealership. He had taken what I wrote on their social media page seriously. He delivered the news that between the manufacturer and dealership’s coverage of costs, I was looking at around $500 for repairs.

Had it not been for the prayers of others, actions of others, and the Holy Spirit’s pursuit of my mindset, I would have missed all the relief God brought me to lighten the load I was stubbornly carrying around.

Although I did not face this week’s Goliath with the courage and faith David did, God was still there to slay my giants. I may be quick to quit, but God is not. God’s goodness doesn’t always come in the package I wish it would. Yet, I can’t help but wonder if I still wouldn’t be wanting more even if it did. There will always be a circumstance that Satan wants us to become derailed by. He wants us so overwrought that we blame God for allowing realities that bring us immense disappointment and sadness.

What giant are you facing? Maybe it’s brand new. Or perhaps it’s been present for a while. As hard as it may seem, I would encourage you to allow God to help you sort through your emotions and thoughts. The step can vary. It may be crying while in the posture of prayer. It may be asking someone to stand in the gap by praying on your behalf. It could be finding a place alone to blast worship music while shutting everything else out. It could also be reading scripture. Whatever it is, find a way to activate that flicker of hope that is already inside of you. The one that God will intensify the flame for when we let go of our control. Our Goliath may not fall today. It may reappear the remainder of our time on this earth. But when we tap into the unfathomable resource of God, he makes us more like David, courageous and full of faith that our savior works everything out for our good.