Wondering and waiting

Emily Hall
Sep 22, 2021
6 min read

I have been trying to figure how to put into words the season I have been living in over the last six months. And while I can think of singular terms, none of them on their own are capable of entirely identifying the full scope. Hard, heartbreaking, confusing, and waiting are just a few examples.

When I think back, I can see that the progression to the last six months started at the beginning of 2020. I know, what a surprise that the year our entire world, as we know, shifted, also happened to cause my even smaller world to do the same. It’s when I went through the emotional roller coaster of applying for grad school. It’s when I first started to feel the full extent of burnout in my career. It’s also when I experienced my first ever hospitalization. Yet, I can also easily see God’s steady, healing, patient, protective, and giving hands within each one of those memories. I was accepted into grad school. I got to switch departments in March of this year. And I was spared the devastating reality of COVID pneumonia so many have been affected by.

How easily I forget how good God is. It’s the same old cycle. I wrestle with him during the trying times. Thank him on the mountain top. And then basically get amnesia when I end up back in the valley. The cycle continually reminds me of the fact that I do not suffer or wait well.

I switched departments at work at the beginning of March. A month later is when my caseload started to unravel completely. It’s when I started having to move kids to new placements. And sadly, most of them were at the request of foster parents that no longer wanted to care for them. Out of the 22 children I am responsible for, I have moved 11 of them to date. And 6 of those 11 have been moved twice. And while I could spend days listing out the other professional stressors that were in the mix, I will simply give you a broad reminder that I still had to keep up with all the necessary tasks that go with having a caseload.

There were also two other things intertwined. First, completing weekly readings and assignments for my classes and lingering health issues from having been sick. By the time May rolled around, it was time to enroll in summer classes. For weeks I contemplated whether I could continue. And while I didn’t want to, I was forced to accept that I could not continue juggling school and work. Here are a few excerpts that I wrote in the first few days that followed the start of the summer term.

5/12/21

Tonight, I dropped my classes. It also happens to be the same night semester check-in is due. Truthfully, I’m not entirely sure how I feel. One moment it’s a mixture of emotions. And the next it’s the numbness I’ve only felt when overwhelmed by grief. Only my parents have seen and heard how emotionally torn I have been about making this decision. I’ve mentioned it in a larger context to a few others who, maybe like me, thought the feeling would pass.

5/13/21

Deactivated Facebook after one-year memory of FSU acceptance popped up.

5/15/21

I had originally planned to spend a portion of today journaling. My mind and body are restless. I’m not ready to delve into all the emotions and thoughts on the verge of breaking me. Avoidance is my old friend. On that, I find myself eager to sit with from time to time.

Indeed, I sat with my friend avoidance for weeks which rolled into months. I felt heartbroken and could not bring myself to accept the total weight of reality. And even now, certain emotions are elicited when I share that I am no longer in grad school. As I mentioned earlier, I have also been dealing with some health issues. Fatigue, leg/hip pain, lack of concentration, lack of retention of information, the need for my thyroid and vitamin d levels to increase, and chest pains. Honestly, I have grown tired of hearing myself mention any of those things. So, every three months, I have been getting lab work and seeing my doctor.

What I found to be at the core of all these issues was an all-out war between my feelings and faith. It’s what always leads me to a wrestling match with God. Scripture is replete with stories of God’s faithfulness and examples of his goodness despite how wretched we are as human beings. Furthermore, I have personal experiences where I have seen God provide in profound ways. And yet, despite my knowledge, my feelings always manage to be what initially takes hold of my perspective.

Join me as I walk you down the all too familiar broken road of my feelings. When it came to grad school, my emotions made me question God’s goodness. I mean, how could he fulfill this dream only for it to be taken away a year later? Why can’t he settle my caseload so I can do both? How can having to face a loss ever be good? When it comes to my health, I find that I also question myself. Am I dramatic? Have I started to imagine these symptoms persist? Well, there have been many tears and breakdowns over the last several months when it comes to work. At the beginning of this month, I had to move three sisters from a home where they were all together to 3 separate houses. On more than one occasion, I found myself completely overwhelmed while driving alone between visits and moves, crying and repeatedly asking God why and how much longer I must endure this chaos.

I started listening to some podcasts by Christine Caine over a month ago. Here is some of what has resonated with me.

“Storms reveal to us what we already believe. Trials will cause you to question if you really believe in what you say you do. How are you in the midst of a storm? It’s our instability that makes people think God is unstable. Our anchor is not the issue. The issue is how are our chains that are connected to the anchor. The most important link in your chain is the word of God. That is what will keep you connected to the anchor more than anything.”

Do you know what I felt when I listened to the podcasts? I felt them penetrate the very parts of my soul that were questioning and trying to hold onto faith. I felt that the Holy Spirit gave the insight and specific thoughts and words to Christine Caine because he knew that I would hear them when I did. And that alone is a clear reminder to me that God is good.

Perhaps you have been in a season where your heart is heavy, life feels unfair, and you wish you could press fast forward. I wish I could give you steps that would make that time quick and less painful. Whether we want to admit and accept it or not, not a single person gets to go through life unscathed. Hebrews 11:1 ESV, now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

In the most basic context, faith is a choice. I can either choose to believe God is good or fight the Holy Spirit by saying otherwise. I can either give my tangled thoughts and feelings to God through prayer, or I can bring more misery to myself by trying to hold on to them. I can either trust that he knows what he is doing or make decisions based on my limited and skewed perspective. I think the wrestling between the knowledge we are given through scripture and how we feel is expected. The danger lies in how long and how far we go with our questioning of God’s faithfulness. I believe it’s a rabbit hole that Satan not only wants us to explore but get stuck in. And therefore, I cannot simply trust my feelings. My feelings become the very thing that disrupts me from exercising faith.

As a Christian, the hard pill I so often must swallow is that God doesn’t always make sense. There will be things that are not going to be resolved or understood on this side of heaven. And my earthly brain could never fathom God’s ways. It’s why sometimes the only understood response to miracles is the commonly used phrase of “but God.” Despite the pain, questions, disappointment, failures, and stubbornness, I choose to push through. Not because it’s easy, not because it feels good, and by no means am I doing a stellar job. Right now, pushing through is praying, not always with sweet gratitude, I must add, listening to sermons and Christian music, and fighting every ounce of my flesh by reading scripture.

I often wish I could be the type of Christian that exudes great discipline and unwavering faith no matter life’s circumstances. However, I have learned that my brokenness and poor choices can be just as powerful if God chooses to use them. So, if you are faltering and sometimes feel your mental and emotional health hit new lows, please know you are not alone. And the very thing that you believe will break you may indeed be the same thing that Christ uses to bring others to freedom in him.