In bloom

Just shy of 17 months. That is how long it has been since my last post. To say where I was back in September 2021 compared to now is vastly different would be a grave understatement. I was one breath away from a complete breakdown. And even with my fragile grip holding on to hope, I could never imagine what God had on the horizon. I was in this season that felt like utter heartbreak. And a month later, God gave me the gift of a new career. One that awards me the time and perspective needed for spiritual, emotional, mental, and professional healing and growth.

When I started working in child welfare, I believed it would be my lifelong career. I had this soul-level feeling that this was my purpose. A beautiful gift of a job that also allowed me to be in service of others, most importantly children. In hindsight, I can see why my spirit felt so torn when it was time to move on after ten years. If you have ever worked or volunteered in any capacity that immerses you in the lives of others, then you know the emotional battle that goes on when the season ends. The constant internal questions. What will happen to this child, parent, family, etc., if I leave them? And no matter how much I didn't want to accept it fully, my time and responsibility for them were closing out. I genuinely believe that having to let go of grad school and my caseload being a nonstop disaster was God's goodness.

Yes, I'm aware that may sound wild to you. I can be pretty stubborn. Which means sometimes I have to experience things the hard way. But also, I needed to be barely above rock bottom to acknowledge what the Holy Spirit was telling my soul. It was time to let go. And even though I would have to grieve what looked and felt like stolen dreams, He already had so much more waiting for me. It wasn't an immediate revelation, but I have learned how much of my identity I tied into my profession. I would say it was a good 90%. Now, this wasn't something that happened instantly. It was a progression. This was another reason why letting go was such a challenge.

The Bible talks about gardens. The most infamous of them is the one we immediately learn about in Genesis. The imagery of a garden can be used when we think about our minds and souls. When I accepted Christ, I was given a new Spirit. Unfortunately, I am still left with my faulty mind. Satan's goal is to contaminate the garden of my mind. It's why there is always tension between what my mind thinks and what the Holy Spirit tells my soul. So, what happens when I let my mind become consumed by lies, the world's values, and others' misconceptions? They become the weeds that choke out what the Holy Spirit is telling me. And the more the weeds grow and spread, the harder it is to hear Him. The inability to listen to Him has nothing to do with Him and His power. It has everything to do with my pursuit of God through scripture, prayer, creating quiet moments to hear Him, and community with other Christians who are also pursuing Him.

Although I probably would not have openly admitted it at the time, my gardens were unhealthy. I had allowed many thoughts and behaviors to become part of the soil and roots. The chaos of my career always left me depleted. In my "off time," I was not tending to my soul or mind regularly in ways that would ensure the soil was well watered. Ultimately, I was eating a lot of dirt because sleeping the weekend away, binge-watching shows, eating my feelings, and disengaging from humanity didn't alleviate the toiling. Which means I was also not producing any fruit. So, I don't believe those closest to me would have given me any checkmarks next to the words in Galatians 5:22-23 (ESV) - But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

God's goodness allowed me to collaborate with Him to uproot the unhealthy growth in my gardens. One of the most significant examples of this was the gift of time. I have a career that now allows for a work-life balance. Because of that, I could eradicate the belief that my career was my primary identity. God reminded me repeatedly that I was created to be and do more than just my profession. I still get to serve others through work, which my soul enjoys. However, it's not the only opportunity available to me.

The fresh soil is the lesson and reminder that my entire identity is and should be rooted in Christ, always. Anything I try to produce alone is in vain and will lead to the most unappealing landscape because I would only reflect myself to others instead of Christ. And as unpleasant as it is to admit, I, on my own, am selfish, pessimistic, rude, judgmental, impatient, prideful, and every other disagreeable characteristic.

God is continuing to teach and convict me to steward my time. I tend to allow comfort to be an idol in my life, regardless of how often it leads me down a dead-end road. I have to fight the desire to stay hulled up in the house and do solitary activities. He has created ways for me to pull away from submitting to isolation by getting out and growing. One of my favorite ways He has done that is by allowing me to volunteer at Florida State Prison.

About this time last year, He started to reveal the chance. To take what He has given me through my dad's example of decades of serving at FSP, my education, professional experience, and time—combining those foundations with His direction to facilitate a parenting group with some incarcerated fathers. God does such beautiful things when He allows us to serve others. Many of which cannot even fully be articulated. And I think that is preciously what draws us closer to Him. For it's in those moments of serving that the Holy Spirit brings about a level of freedom from my tangled and broken thoughts while allowing me to see others through the lens of Christ.

I want to make sure I am abundantly clear the opportunity and ability to do this group on Monday nights is entirely from God. I also restate that for myself because if I am not mindful or lose focus on that fact, I could easily allow myself to believe the lie that I made it all happen. The desire and ability are from Him. Like I said earlier, on my own, I do not possess any Christ-like characteristics. His invitation is to be a vessel. And He is teaching me right along with these fathers. One of the lessons directly ties into the other opportunity He has recently given me.

There was a three-year period when I was in a fantastic discipleship group. It was such a pivotal time and led to some long-overdue spiritual growth. God decided to bring that season to an end. And ever since then, I've struggled to find and stay connected to another group. I had to be humbled and realize that a significant barrier was my expectations. When I finally relented, my perspective changed because it was no longer just my judgmental one.

The growth that God has granted me has brought me to a place where I crave being in a community with others that want to go below the surface. That is not to say I am always eager to bare my soul. Yet, the step to do so doesn't always seem terrifying as it did before. Remember that discipleship group I measured every other group against? Well, that is when and where the Holy Spirit made it His business to ensure I stepped into the vulnerable moments of being transparent.

There is immense power in vulnerability. At our core, we all want to be seen. We want to be seen in a way that shows us we matter and have value. Have you ever been in a group setting where you felt completely unseen? The kind of thing where you are there but no one is treating you like your presence matters. It's been several months back, but I experienced it on two separate occasions within two different groups of people. Individuals who never once asked how I was or anything else. It left me feeling like my invitation was to be in the role of an audience member. Leaving me feeling worthless, hurt, and confused as to how they could possibly think I would ever want to spend another evening together. Jesus' death and resurrection are the unfathomable truths of how much He sees us and the price He believes we are worth. And yet, even when we accept that gift, our minds still doubt and connect our worth to our worst moments. Therefore, it should be no surprise that we are even more guarded when revealing the truth about ourselves to others.

Here's my challenge for both you and me. Practice being vulnerable and stop only living on the surface where we lie and manipulate our realities to edit them to look like we have everything together all the time. I know that heart pounding, second-guessing, want to protect myself feeling. I also know what can be waiting on the other side of that fear. I will leave you with this example of how God continues to remind me how weak my excuses are when I fail to be vulnerable.

The current group of fathers I am with on Monday nights started coming together in August. And one more joined last month. These men leave me in awe regarding their willingness to be vulnerable. We are deep into the realities of their childhood experiences, choices, family relationships, beliefs, and many other challenging topics. Prison is about surviving. Part of surviving is following the stereotypical behavior of looking and acting tough. Yet these men come together and bare parts of their souls, making it a point to encourage and recognize each other's strengths. Now that is not the prison mentality. Instead, they desire to go below the surface and it's combined with God's power at work. Creating the rich soil that God lays to plant new growth. The growth that brings healing, redemption, and restoration. When the crops from that growth are harvested and given back to Him, "He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted." Job 5:9 NIV

Song: Bloom

Artist: CCV Music

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TwkcXZsvTo

Song: Tend

Artist: Bethal Music, Emmy Rose

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSB4poSt7UE

Song: Eden (Isn't It Just Like You?)

Artist: Benjamin William Hastings

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=voC-P8V6_Nk

Psalm 66:16 ESV

Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell what he has done for my soul.

Isaiah 58:11 ESV

And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and yu shall be like a watered garden like a spring of water, whose waters do not fall.

Matthew 12:33 ESV

Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad, for the tree is known by its fruit.

Mark 4:26-29 ESV

And he said, "The kingdom of God is as if a man should scatter seed on the ground. He sleeps and rises night and day, and the seed sprouts and grows: he knows not how. The earth produces by itself, first the blade, then the ear, then the full grain in the ear. But when the grain is rip, at once he puts in the sickle, because the harvest has come."

John 15:1- 8 ESV

"I am the true vine, and my father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does not bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me, he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples.

Romans 8:5-8 ESV

For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the spirit set their minds on the things of the spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

Romans 12:2 ESV

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

I Thessalonians 5:19 ESV

Do not quench the spirit.

2 Peter 1:5-8 ESV

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.