Faith and frustration

I attempted to return to work this week. I say attempted because I was only able to make it three of the five days. I decided that instead of spending my last month of FMLA at home, I would return part-time. The two largest factors in making that decision were my fear and frustration. Having never been on leave, I had no idea what to expect upon my return. Due to the volume of incoming cases, I assumed I would be stepping right back into the crazy pace I had grown accustomed to before going out. So, I figured the best way to lessen that initial shock was by altering my FMLA. My frustration primarily developed from how annoyingly slow my short term disability claim has moved. Ultimately, this poured over into my fear as I thought about the reality of finances.

A great deal of my fear has tapered off as conversations with those above me have brought reassurance that I won’t just be thrown back into the lion’s den as I had initially envisioned. What has remained and somewhat intensified is my frustration. It’s no longer exclusively related to the short term disability claim. It is, however, stretching me and teaching me about emotional aspects I never anticipated. I continue to remain in uncharted waters as this is my first time experiencing a significant health issue.

When I was in the hospital, I dreaded getting up to take the two or three steps needed to make it to the toilet chair at the end of my bed. I was sometimes on the verge of tears because the task at hand was so simple, yet it took so much out of me. A few weeks after being home, I did cry when walking short distances continued to be a labored task. Here I sit, just shy of two months since my release from the hospital. And as ignorant as it may sound, I thought I would be back to “normal.” What I have learned and struggle to accept is the commonness of lingering effects from COVID. Fatigue, chest pains, headaches, muscle aches, shortness of breath, brain fog, and coughing continue to be my companions, whether I like it or not.

Originally I had planned to attend an outreach event at church this morning. Unfortunately, that did not happen due to some of those companions I mentioned above. And while some may think there are worst things to be upset about, this was the last bit of pressure needed to burst the dam of my emotions open. Being kind to myself is unnatural. And while I have made progress over the previous few years, it will always be a struggle. It’s hard for me to comprehend why spending my first day back to work filing, sending a few emails, and changing passwords left me exhausted to the point that I needed an afternoon nap. I’m embarrassed that my mind will often go blank as I struggle to piece together information. Let me share with you the most recent example.

I decided to attend church on Thursday evening. When I pulled into the parking lot, I was confused about why there were so few cars. After waiting several minutes, I got out to walk inside. A woman parked next to me asked if I was also there to volunteer. My confusion increased until some clarification revealed she was there to be part of the welcome team for the evening. I told her I wasn’t but could lead her to someone over the welcome team. Judgingly, I thought she was late because the service would be starting in about 15 minutes. After connecting her with the right individual, I stood in the hallway. My confusion remained as no one entered the building and the only people inside were there to serve. Finally, a few of my brain cells decided to join forces, which prompted me to look online. And wouldn’t you know, service wasn’t for another hour! That’s what I get for my judgmental thought. I could and can laugh about this. However, I would be lying if I didn’t say I had an insecure idea that people probably thought I was crazy. I can’t laugh when I try to recall things I should already know when at work or participating in school. Ultimately, this ties into the reminder of how much pressure I put on myself. That pressure is why I feel so frustrated that I am not back to my pre-COVID stamina and abilities.

Why is it that we often have expectations for ourselves that we wouldn’t have for others? Or sometimes we have expectations for others that we wouldn’t have for ourselves? When my mom says she feels fatigued from her return to work, I think that sounds perfectly normal and acceptable. Yet, when I experience the same, I think it sounds lame. When all I accomplish on a particular day is not taking a nap, and my mom manages to run multiple errands, I think there is something wrong with me. Perhaps the bigger question is, why am I comparing my progress to hers? Comparison is a trap we have to choose not to fall into every day. Our society tells us that comparison is necessary to achieve the best versions of ourselves. We measure ourselves, parents, siblings, spouses, children, finances, possessions, and behaviors against everyone else’s. And it’s preciously the reason we are never satisfied with what we have and where we are. When doing so, we commonly feel one of a few things; feeling less than, prideful, or guilty. It only takes me a few seconds to feel less than when I compare my singleness to my friend’s marriages and motherhood. A few more seconds are needed when remembering how many friends own homes. At times I can feel prideful when I survey my possessions. However, on the flip side of the coin, I can also feel guilty when I think of others.

For instance, I feel guilty about much of what is written in this post. The guilt is a byproduct of thinking about others. I don’t have to work hard to find that someone else is facing health and emotional struggles greater than mine. And there I go, falling right into the comparison trap. I’m not saying our feelings are insignificant and need to be taken lightly. Our emotions, just like our beliefs, are the driving force behind our behavior. We gain nothing by shoving them down or acting as if they do not matter. At the same time, we have to be careful that our feelings are not what we use to justify ongoing unhealthy choices. I can give myself compassion and sit in my feelings today. However, if a week from now, I am still sitting in the same spot, I’m quickly approaching the gates of captivity. And that is what Satan wants. Satan would love nothing more than for me to do any or all of the following:

1. To be frustrated with God and myself about where I am in my healing.

2. To believe that something is wrong with me when comparing myself to others.

3. To think highly of myself while surveying my possessions and experiences when comparing myself to others.

4. To feel guilty about what I feel because to him, guilt and humility are synonymous.

Christianity isn’t based on the belief that we are not to have feelings. What we should be doing is evaluating and releasing emotions by looking at scripture and praying. I have much to be grateful for when it comes to my health and COVID experience, and I am. At the same time, I am still frustrated. This is because God didn’t make me one dimensional. It appears I have reached the revelation I needed while processing most of what is going on internally with me today. My reminder is that it’s ok not to be ok. I don’t need to articulate my prayers in a way that conceals I have competing feelings going on. I also don’t need to guilt myself into getting over my feelings without first dealing with them. What I do need is less comparison and more compassion. Perhaps then I will be able to rest in God’s assurance that I am where He wants me to be, and the finish line will appear when He decides it’s best to do so.

Psalm 139:13-14 NASB

For you formed my inward parts: you wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are your works, and my soul knows it very well.

1 Corinthians 13:12 NLT

Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

Colossians 3:2 NASB

Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth.

Galatians 5:22-26 NASB

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another.

James 3:13-14 NASB

Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth.