The reality of singleness

If you read my previous post then you know I was in conflict about attending my discipleship group yesterday. So I must start off by telling you what my Faithful Father did. He created an opportunity for me to share with others that the enemy uses my insecurity and my gravitation towards isolation as a tactic to take me out. By vocalizing that to others it did several things. First, it took away his power. By me telling others I was literally doing the opposite of what he wanted. Second, it activated prayer warriors. It gave them something very specific to pray for on my behalf. Third, it holds me accountable. Now when I try to travel down the old familiar road someone will be able to speak truth into me.

That wasn’t all He did though. He then allowed me to connect with another individual on the topic of singleness. A topic I almost always avoid because it is painful and hard to talk about.

Let me try to articulate why it’s painful. It’s a season that I didn’t wish for. And certainly never anticipated would last this long. I have an unwavering desire to be married and have children. And I feel like I must be lacking in some way which is why I do not have those things. There is a constant war going on in my mind. One that includes all kinds of reoccurring thoughts. I think about how both of my brothers are married with children and I am the one sibling that is not. I think about my age, and how in a few months I will be entering the stage where being pregnant is considered “high-risk.” I think about how everyone’s life appears to be moving forward, but mine feels like it’s stagnant. I think about how my friends are bonded in their roles as wives and mothers. And that I cannot even remotely identify with either of those things. I think about how one day my parents will no longer be living on earth. And if I become sick or incapacitated in any way I won’t have someone to help care for me long term. And I have grieved over the life I imagined I would have had by now. I had always imagined that I would have already been married with kids by my 30s.

It’s hard to talk about this subject because I feel like I am whining. And since the vast majority of those in my life are not single, their responses often leave me frustrated; although I know that’s not their intention. It’s hard to hear someone say they wish they were single and didn’t have children because they would love alone time. To me they are wishing for a moment not necessarily an entire season. It’s hard to hear someone say that God calls some individuals to a life of singleness. I feel like my desire is being glossed over. Almost as if I am wanting something that is inappropriate. It’s hard to hear people tell me that I should seriously commit to online dating. Especially when I consider those giving that advice have never actually had to brave that territory. It’s extremely hard to hear a Christian tell me that I need to become who God wants me to be in order to have my desire fulfilled. That advice perpetuates the belief I already struggle with that something is wrong with me. It’s hard to hear someone tell me that this season is a gift. That actually makes me want to scream.

Here’s what the season feels like. It feels like God is silent. He hasn’t told me that I am called to a life of singleness, but He also hasn’t told me that my someone special is on the way. I often wonder if I have missed Him speaking. So, if I haven’t been transparent enough, I am going to take it a step further. I have on multiple occasions tearfully prayed to God the following: “If you have designed me to live a life of singleness, please remove my desire to be a wife.”

When God isn't changing my circumstances then I want Him to change me.

Dare I say the church doesn’t do a stellar job at truly addressing the topic of singleness. I can’t ever recall listening to a message about singleness. Yet, I have heard countless messages about marriage. Now I am not saying one topic is more important than the other. What I am saying is that as a 34 year old single adult I have felt overlooked by the church to some extent. I would love for someone with biblical knowledge that far exceeds mine to delve into this topic. And I mean really dive in. Not merely tell me I should utilize my available time to serve. Or, tell me that the message on marriage is just as crucial for me as a single person. Honestly I roll my eyes and struggle to listen when that’s the topic.

In my head I know that God is sovereign. I know that He has plans for me. I know that His timing is perfect. I know that He has things in store I could never even imagine. But, the disconnect is sometimes between what I know in my mind and what I feel in my heart. And although the distance between the two, anatomically speaking, isn’t great; it often feels similar to the distance between Earth and Mars.

Singleness is a constant struggle for me. It’s something my enemy has a field day with. It plays to my insecurity and fear. It causes me to feel as though I am suffering alone. And no matter how much I try to fill up my free time, the topic always pops in my head. I wish I was better at trusting God in this area of my life. I wish I was able to just rest in the assurance of his grace and goodness. I know that I should be waging war through my prayer life. Yet, sometimes I don't do so. My feelings can get the best of me. Leading me to feel angry at God. Which in turn results in me not praying about the topic.

If you are single my heart knows your pain all too well. I know that the season feels far more challenging than rewarding. I know that as much as you hope for the future you also doubt. I know that you feel left out when comparing yourself to those around you. I know that you look at an individual think of their characteristics and compare them to yours. All in hopes that the mystery of what you are lacking will finally be solved. I know that it's an area of your life that you rarely discuss. One that has you feeling immense pain. One that causes you to have more questions and apprehension than reassurance. Please know that you are not alone. And that someone is in the trenches with you. My prayer is that one day our desires will be fulfilled in a way that renders us speechless. And that we would be allowed the privilege to use our level of sensitivity to singleness to help aid another person who is currently living in the season we know so well.

Isaiah 40:31 ESV

Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.

Isaiah 41:10 ESV

Do not fear, for I am with you: do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

Lamentations 3:22-25

The faithful love of the Lord never ends. His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, "The lord is my inheritance: therefore, I will hope in him." The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him.