Vulnerability changes everything

If I had to sum up how my faith has changed over time by using only one word, it would be vulnerability. If you have read any of my posts, then you know I love words and thoughts too much to be so concise.

What I became very aware of several years ago is that not only have I been guarded with people, I have been guarded with God. This perpetuated my feelings of fear, doubt, insecurity, anger, and sadness. The more I refused to lay myself bare in prayer, the heavier the weight of those things became. When my prayers were all about my to-do list for God, I felt frustrated. I was like a spoiled child that told my parents what I wanted and then had an attitude because they didn't do as I demanded. And this cycle continued embarrassingly longer than I would like to admit.

Some of that was due to the fact that I was so focused on wanting things on my own terms I failed to relinquish control. I was treating prayer as an obligation instead of a gift. And I wasn't allowing a space or posture of silence for the Holy Spirit to respond. Another part of it was that I let my insecurity be a barrier. If I am completely transparent, I let the lies of fear and doubt convince me that God couldn't really take all of my feelings and still lovingly respond. I assumed that He would respond with disappointment, which I think is a great example of how warped our thoughts on our own can be. I mean the fact that I would hold onto a belief that fails to acknowledge that God already knows it all is quite ridiculous. And it serves as a reminder of just how untrustworthy my flesh is.

I wish I could stand on the statement that my failure to be vulnerable with God was due to a lack of knowledge on my part. However, that would be a complete lie. I mean I have read scripture, books, done bible study curriculums and listened to more sermons than I can count. Yet, I chose to forgo the knowledge and stay within the confounds of the walls I had worked so hard to not only build but maintain. And those walls were the very thing that I had foolishly believed would protect me. In the end, all they did was isolate me. And repeat isolation only leads to more risks.

So, as I reflect back over the last several years, here are the things I learned when I decided to drop the facade within my prayer life. I learned firsthand that as a Christian I cannot truly be vulnerable with others until I am first vulnerable with God. And that I also need to be vulnerable with God in order to be able to love and support others in their vulnerability. Not because I have the ability to do so on my own, but because God gives me the ability to do so. And there is really no other way to tap into this God-given ability without doing so in my relationship with Him. So my lack of vulnerability had to be addressed at the most fundamental level as a Christian. I had to surrender my desire to only let God have a tiny piece of how I felt at a time. I had to give Him everything no matter what emotion I had covered it in. I had to put into practice the belief that God is good. He is a safe haven. In fact, He is the safest haven of all. And that He yearns to hear me say everything I feel. He is already quite aware of what I have going on internally. I believe He wants me to acknowledge things before Him so that He can start to relieve me of the weight. It's tiresome to carry all of our emotions and feelings. I have a long history of shoving everything down in an effort to ignore it. Yet, it never failed that things would always rise to the surface.

I think sometimes Christians limit just how precious of a resource prayer is. We can easily become simple-minded in the idea of believing prayer is about asking God for things. When I first started making steps to be vulnerable in my prayers, I decided to write them out. The visual was exactly what I needed. I was able to see how narrow my thinking was. And how small I was making God. My natural reaction was to ask Him to change my circumstances. I wanted Him to remove everything that was bothering me. I wanted all the offenses I felt were inflicted on me to be rectified. Sure, I asked for things on behalf of others. However, not nearly as often as I prayed for myself. It wasn't long before the visual of writing out my prayers caused me to take steps to move away from my selfish focus. I had to fight my flesh in order to attempt to balance out my prayers for myself and others. And then I watched as the Holy Spirit heightened my awareness to things that I could pray about for others.

"Prayer is a conversation." This is something I have heard nearly my entire life. I think the part of the concept that is sometimes forgotten is that when having a conversation you also need to be silent in order to allow for the other individual to respond. I had to intentionally work on not just spilling everything out and saying amen. It's like I was asking for advice, but then ended the conversation before I could hear any suggestions. What I needed to realize was that prayer is not solely a means for my circumstances to be changed. God can absolutely change any and all of my circumstances. When I wasn't mindful of creating a time of silence in anticipation of His response, I missed out on how He was often trying to change my perspective. And a Christian's perspective, specifically in challenging times, is what is so shocking to non-Christians. Just think about the times you have been around an individual that is experiencing something that could easily leave them in a pit of despair. Yet, they hold onto the truth that God is good. And as they continue to seek Him they are filled with hope in what seems hopeless. They are filled with peace in the chaos. They express gratitude for their experiences. They have the ability to see things in a larger context rather than only what is right before them. And their attitude causes those around them to ponder their own.

I recently read an article that stated that prayer is mentioned over 250 times in the bible. Quite simply put, prayer is important to God. Prayer allows us to not only share what burdens us but to proclaim gratitude. Imagine those that you are closest to. Now think if they never bothered to say thank you for anything. We as people would become less inclined to do things due to wanting more appreciation. However, God gives regardless of our thankfulness. Yet, there is something to be said about taking the time to list the numerous things you are grateful for. It has the power to humble you and serve as a reminder of just how fortunate you really are.

When I tirelessly worked to avoid vulnerability in my prayer life I was taking the spot of being number one and letting God fall after. And as you can imagine, I reaped consequences related to that choice. I'm not saying it was God's way of punishing me. It was what was bound to happen because I stubbornly thought I knew best. I thought I didn't need to be vulnerable in order to flourish. Taking the time to pray at the start of my day and throughout, while also being honest and allowing space for the Holy Spirit to respond puts God in His proper place. It's how we submit to the fact that we cannot prosper on our own. It's asking Him to fill us with His attributes because we do not possess them naturally. It's admitting that we need His guidance because we are quick to do things solely based on emotions. It's how we maintain a meaningful relationship because without constant communication how will a relationship truly last and grow. It's allowing God to strip away the parts of us that are not of Him. It's when He transforms our thoughts and shifts our focus from the things of this world. And it's a sacred place where vulnerability is welcomed and appreciated.

Luke 11:1-13

Romans 12:12 ESV

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Philippians 4:6-7 ESV

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 ESV

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Song: Run to the Father

Artist: Cody Carnes

https://youtu.be/HTHS4W1bPj8

Song: Out of Hiding

Artist: Steffany Gretzinger

https://youtu.be/azBAF3dObps